My “About Me” page gives you the facts of my life. On this page I want to open my heart and tell you about my feelings. To begin with, all I ever wanted in life was to be loved.
As a child, being shuffled from relative to relative, foster home to foster home, I finally ending up living in a children’s home. This gave me the sense that no one wanted me. My father constantly told me that my mother never wanted me and never loved me. Since I had no contact with her after the age of seven, I had no way to verify this, so I took it as fact. While I felt that my father loved me, he also never took me home to live with him, but instead opted to put me in foster care and a children’s home. That pretty much told me that I was not good enough or loved enough by anyone. I was not a happy child. My self esteem had been crushed by my childhood and I had severe fear of abandonment issues. I tried to be a good girl and do what I was told and I got some acceptance, but not love.
During my teens I had the crazy idea that if I could become glamorous, rich or famous then everyone would love me. That never happened. I also had ideas that if I could meet the right man, get married and have a house and children, then all of my problems would be solved, then I would be loved. That didn’t exactly happen. During my twenties I was always the center of attention. I dated lots and lots of guys and briefly that made me feel loved, but it wasn’t real love and it didn’t last. Co-dependency has also been an issue for me as I usually put my partner before myself in any relationship that I have been in. I’ve seen different therapists over the years and read most of the self help books available on the market, so I am aware of the different issues that plague me even to today but even if some of these issues will never completely go away, I have learned to deal with them pretty well.
Now for the good stuff. My past has also given me the ability to do some things that others might find fearful. I grew up, pretty much feeling like I was all alone in the world. I never really felt that I had a home or any obligation to stay in any one particular place. At twenty, I packed my bags and moved to New York City. I didn’t know a soul. I had no fear of being alone. I moved to London and Los Angeles the same way, by myself, with no fears about what might happen. I took job after job, quitting one when I got bored and finding another quickly. I never had fears about changing jobs or places to live. I’ve taken vacations alone and traveled around Europe alone, not speaking any other languages and found it to be exciting, not scary. I probably function better by myself, than most people. I’ve also taken some risks that probably weren’t very smart because I had no fears. I have to say that since I have gotten older, that is changing a little. Maybe I am just smarter and know that sometimes there is some justification in being cautious or fearful.
I know one thing for sure, while I may be insecure at times, I know that no matter what happens to me going forward, that I am going to be okay. I think that the worst is behind me and things can only get better. Before I started writing My Story, I was afraid of what people might think; maybe they would criticize it or not like it. If I were twenty again, I wouldn’t have had those fears. I would have just done it. So, I’m dropping those fears, writing my story and if I offend someone, I’m sorry, but this is my life and this is the most important thing left on my bucket list to do during my lifetime, so I’m doing it.
By the way, if I were offered lots of money, a big house, a designer wardrobe, an expensive car and world travels or the chance to feel loved, I’d take the love any day.
WOW…We all came from different backgrounds.Glad you are doing OK
today…John
Hi John, Thanks so much for visiting my site and reading some of my writing. I appreciate your comments. Billie
wow.. Is Right but we do all come from different backgrounds indeed. Billie I am glad you are doing alright today. read all what you have put in some far and will enjoy reading the rest of it.
I might write about my story one day,we will see thanks for sharing your story with us.
Hi Michelle,
I’m glad you enjoy my life story. I put off writing my story for a long time, but now that I have started, I am really enjoying it. It is very time consuming but I will try to write something daily. I hope you subscribe or come back daily to read. When you start writing, let me know. I’d love to read it.
Billie
I am so proud of you Billie for writing your life story, it’s amazing what you’ve lived thru. But no matter what life brought you, you’ve always managed to handle it and come out of it that much stronger, and wiser. And I’ve always loved your humor, and honesty. You’re right sweetie, at the end of the day there is nothing more important than love and friendship. I’m so happy to have had you as a friend for so many years. I love you, I believe in you, and I think once all the chapters are written your life story would be a fabulous book,and film! XXXOOO Di
My Dear Di,
It’s easy to get through life’s trials and tribulations with good friends by your side. Without friends, all you have is stuff and no one to share it with. After 30 years, I think our friendship has passed the test of time. As the kids woulds say, BFF (best friends forever).
If they ever do a film, you get to play my friend.
XOXO, Billie
Hey…happy birthday my dear. I’m recalling many memories as well…your platform boots, the “sticky fingers” painting on your wall, the shared bathroom with god knows who and my memory is recalling some sort of trunk you had in your space, the Brigati’s, shopping at Alexanders for little halter tops that would not cover one of my ass cheeks today, hanging out at Atlantic studios, entertaing some of your old friends from PA, your apt. w/Gregg in NY and in LA.. OMG, love you in so many stupid ways….whatever happened to that girl in Boston….I can’t remember her name…but I will always remember you as Shirley Kuhn. I am and was always proud to be your friend. Time and distance will never change that. Love you.
Linda,
Thanks for putting a huge smile on this “old broads” face. I hope I can do the same for you on your birthday. Boy, we had some great times in our twenties, didn’t we?
I think you are talking about my friend Hampton (now Louise). I am still in touch with her.
By the way, that trunk that I had, has all the information that I am putting into this website. MEMORIES!!!
As soon as I get a new scanner, I will be writing about our friendship and posting a few pictures. Got any good ones that you want to share?
Love you and miss you.
Billie (always Shirley to you)
BILLIE
i’m STILL here at Vegas Towers, they are remodeling EVERYTHING, i check in on your site from time to time, LUV your spirit and single minded drive, i’ve been a gambler MOST of my life, BUT not for the kinda stakes that YOU have faced, don’t know that i’d have THAT sorta courage, BUT you’re VERY lucky to have a partner like Tom with you,,,it’s been raining here in Vegas for the past week, ‘kold / nasty, i’ll be glad when it’s over, i do not know HOW you stand ALL that rain, i lived in Houston for years, ALWAYS gloomy rain there too,,,Life’s an adventure and you’ve had MORE then your share,,,,FYI: SUPER BOWL is on Sunday Feb 7th, and will be played in Miami,,,
shaun
Shaun,
So nice to hear from you and thanks for keeping me up-to-date on the happenings at our old hangout. Do you think they are planning on selling them as condos? Just curious.
Billie